Becoming Dad - the identity shift nobody really talks about

In my work as a psychotherapist supporting parents and families, I've seen just how profound this transition from being a man and evolving into a father can be.

Yet so often, dads and their struggles in fatherhood go unnoticed, unspoken about. Too busy focusing on their partner, their baby, and everyone else's needs to stop and consider their own. Because men have been conditioned to be the ones who hold everything together. That this is their role in life. To be the steady presence and provider that others need them to be.

But what if this is exactly what is contributing to our shocking male suicide statistics? What if this is contributing to the toxic masculinity being called out more in the media right now? What if this is what prevents our little boys, who turn into men, from knowing their needs and wellbeing matter just as much as everyone else’s? What if it stops them from recognising and prioritising what will help them become the men and fathers they want to be, rather than holding them back?

This, is the narrative I am here to change.

Patrescence - the transformation of becoming a father

There's a term for the transition men go through as they enter into and move through fatherhood - patrescence.

Much like matrescence, which describes the transformation women experience when becoming mothers, patrescence refers to the emotional, physical, psychological, and social changes men can experience as they enter fatherhood.

It shifts your priorities, relationships, values, and sense of who you now are in this changing life. You might find yourself becoming more emotionally sensitive, anxious, irritable, or questioning things that never particularly bothered you before.

You might even find yourself asking: "Who am I now that I'm a dad?". You might find yourself feeling vulnerable. Like you have no idea how to show up in this role, and that vulnerability scares the hell out of you.

These feelings don't mean you are not a good father. They are natural responses that occur as you adjust to one of the biggest identity transitions of your life.

In all my 18 years in the mental health industry, I have seen no greater life transition than parenthood, to bring up emotional and psychological challenges for you to face. But I am here to tell you, these challenges, while hard, give you the biggest opportunity of your life, to overcome them.

Why is this?

Well, because as fathers, you are not only doing this for you. You are doing this, for your children. This is what brings parents to my psychotherapy clinic for support. The strong desire to work on themselves to show up as their best selves, for their children.

Laura Greenwood

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When fatherhood brings up your own childhood

One of the things I often see in therapy is how becoming a parent can bring our own childhood experiences into sharper focus.

Suddenly, you're not just thinking about the father you want to be. You're reflecting on the father you had. On the parenting you experienced. Perhaps you recognise things from your childhood that you want to recreate, or things you wish had been different.

This can bring up a complex mixture of emotions including sadness, grief, resentment, anger, anxiety, and past experiences you thought you had long forgotten. You might become more acutely aware of emotional needs that weren't met, or patterns of behaviour you've carried into adulthood without realising. Patterns that you can see were developed in childhood, that may not suit your life and what you need and want now.

Fatherhood can hold up a mirror to parts of ourselves we haven't considered for years, if ever.

Different stages of fatherhood may be more challenging, because at that phase of our child’s life, it was a particularly challenging time in our own childhood.

Recognising these patterns gives us an opportunity to make conscious choices about what we want to pass on to our children and what we'd rather leave behind.

The mental and physical pressures of fatherhood

Becoming a dad can also affect your mental and physical wellbeing. Sleep deprivation, increased responsibilities, relationship changes, and financial pressures can all take their toll.

Some fathers experience anxiety, overwhelm, depression, burnout, a feeling of disconnection from yourself, your life and others, during the transition to parenthood. Yet men's mental health can be overlooked when attention is focused on the mother and baby. And often, men don't recognise their own distress, because they have never been taught how to.

Instead of describing themselves as anxious or low, they may become irritable, withdraw from others, or throw themselves into work. Work can feel familiar and manageable, while fatherhood can feel unpredictable and vulnerable.

For men who have grown up believing they should always be strong, capable, and in control, that vulnerability can be particularly uncomfortable - and something they work very hard to avoid.

Dads' mental health matters, not just because of the impact on their families, but because men deserve emotional support in their own right.

Being the dad you want to be

We're living through a period of change in how we experience and understand fatherhood.

For me, this is an exciting time to be a parent, but it is also uncertain and unfamiliar. The path ahead unclear. Which, for a human race culture that has been taught that control means safety - and uncertainty means fear - we tend to avoid it like the plague.

So often in my work, my job is to trust the process for you until you feel ready to trust it yourself.

Many dads want to be more emotionally present, nurturing, and involved in everyday parenting. Yet traditional expectations around providing financially, career progression, and masculinity can create conflicting pressures.

You might feel pulled between being successful at work, supporting your partner, being present for your children, and maintaining some sense of yourself. But there isn't one right way to be a father. Or a man, for that matter. You have an opportunity to decide what kind of dad you want to be, rather than simply following the expectations you've inherited.

And in doing so, you're modelling something important for the next generation - that men can be emotionally open, nurturing, vulnerable, and strong. That men’s emotional and psychological needs matter as much as everyone else’s. That it is ok and beneficial for the individual and the whole to ask for and gain support.

Looking after yourself through the transition

If you're navigating this identity shift, I'd encourage you to:

• Give yourself permission to feel - joy, love, frustration, grief, and uncertainty can all coexist.

• Get curious about yourself - what has changed? What matters to you now? What kind of father do you want to be?

• Find safe spaces to talk - whether that's your partner, friends, other dads or a therapist, you deserve to feel heard.

• Remember your needs matter too - your identity, friendships, interests, and wellbeing don't stop being important because you've become a parent.

• Work as a team - you and your partner may be experiencing very different transitions. Open communication and understanding can help you navigate them together.

Laura Greenwood is an Accredited Psychotherapist and Founder of Laura Greenwood Therapy, a specialist psychotherapy and wellbeing clinic supporting parents, children, and families through the emotional and psychological challenges of parenthood.

Find out more at www.lauragreenwoodtherapy.com.